My Quiet Mission

I recently heard someone say that they don’t believe it’s really death that people are afraid of but rather how we will die that really frightens us. I suppose there is a lot of truth in this, but for me it is more the fear of living without the people I love the most. In my opinion, it’s the ones that get left behind that suffer the most in the end.

When I was little and I said my prayers as I fell asleep I used to blow hugs (yes, hugs) to each of my family members wherever they might be in the world and then I would pray that if any of us had to die I hoped that we would all die together. Perhaps this sounds slightly morbid or sad, but it is how my brain worked. I have always been afraid of death – of losing my loved ones. Now that I am a parent I also fear leaving my little one behind without a mother and the thought of losing her is just too much to bear for more than a millisecond in my head.

A number of years ago a friend divulged that he had an issue with his heart that meant he probably wouldn’t live passed the age of 70 and he was totally okay with this. I envied this outlook he had, this lack of fear of dying, and I have been on a quiet mission ever since to find a similar kind of peace. I wouldn’t say I am quite there, but part of this process has been forcing myself to face the idea that at any moment someone I love could be taken from me. Would I be able to handle it or would I crumble in the reality of such a great loss? Facing this fear, although difficult, is one of the best processes I could embark on. It really continues to remind me to live in the moment as much as possible and to always tell my dear ones how much I appreciate them and love them. Life is too short to hold grudges. However, it also makes goodbyes and distance from loved ones harder as I never take for granted that I am never promised a next time and that is always what is hardest to deal with.

Over the years I have suffered my own loss and have supported friends through the loss of children, parents and friends. The sad thing is that since I was 13, every year I have had at least one friend/classmate lose a parent (often the father). And more recently I have seen some friends deal with the death of their child. In being an observer to such a huge loss, I have been appalled to see just how awful and unsupportive people can be in such a situation. It’s as if acknowledging it and supporting someone else through their own grieving process means that you will somehow ‘catch’ it as if it is an infectious disease. Some people try to excuse it saying that it is just fear, but really I feel that this kind of reaction should never be acceptable. These are the moments we should face our own fears and support our loved ones who unfortunately have had this fear become a reality. How would you feel to be deserted in your darkest moments? How would you want to be treated?

It is situations like these that regularly force me to take stock and be grateful for what I have; to accept that death and loss are inevitable. Sometimes I get caught up in my own bullshit, but I do try to never take my life and my loved ones for granted.This year has been rather bittersweet. Back in April I had my parents visiting and my little girl turned one year old. We had a wonderful time together laughing and making great memories. I tried to stay as present as possible. During this visit I got word that one of my best friends lost her father. I think one of the worst things aside from going through your own loss is watching someone you love go through it. No one likes to witness a loved one in pain. Anyone who has suffered loss knows there are no words that can make it better. But the one thing I know for sure is that just letting them know they are not alone and not forgotten can be the things that make a difference. Around the same time I learned that a friend I went to Seattle University with passed away after fighting a battle with a brain tumor. I hadn’t seen him or spoken with him in years, but for some reason it really hit me hard. I just can’t bear to think of his little girls growing up without their amazing Dad. Following this news another dear friend lost her little brother in tragic circumstances. He was only 24 years old. This just leaves an even bigger whole in one’s heart. And more questions…

I have been trying to come to terms with the reality that I can’t change any of these circumstances, but I can choose to live my life in a way that honors the fact that each day we have on this earth with each other is a gift. Suddenly the daily annoyances we tend to go on about no longer have significance. They aren’t worth our time. Gratitude is the only way forward.

I’m not really sure why I have written this other than I just needed to get this down on paper. I know some people give sites like Facebook grief for many reasons, but for someone like me who lives so far away from family and friends it has become my lifeline not just to the big occasions in people’s lives, but to the everyday moments that I think are the most special. If I am friends with you on Facebook then it means you have touched my life in some way and I am happy to still be connected with you. I hope you know that you mean something to me and life may have taken us on different paths but you have helped shape who I am today and I am happy to still be on this journey called life with you (even if it is only via social media).

Now, go tell you someone how much you love and appreciate them. Even better, show them. Always wishing you love, light, laughter and hugs.